- daily summary of 15 day clinical assignment (all but 2 done)
- clinical paperwork completed (almost there)
- 8 page APA style paper on a 2 sentence case study (research done, nothing typed yet, basic format outlined)
- Literary review (read the article, first 2 paragraphs of review done, 4 more paragraphs to go)
- Threaded discussion (hah, not yet)
- Study for Final (hah, again)
- Study for test (hah again)
- Study for another Final (hah, again)
- Prepare presentation for Clinical (hah!)
- Prepare presentation for case study to go along with APA style paper (hah!)
ok honestly most of the (hah) I have done work on but not as much as I need/want/would like to.
Thats why I'm not around atm, haven't been around lately, and won't be around in the near future.
On the bright side I'm down to 220!
- Mood:
anxious
I can finally weigh myself at the end of the day after a full meal and fully dressed and be at 238!
I feel sooooo much better. I still have a long weigh (haha) to go, but I know I can do it. I ultimately don't have a weight goal, I have a size goal. At my largest I was in a 22 pant. When I was in high school I was in a 14. I want to get back into a 14. I'm not sure now but I think I can get into an 18, may be wishful thinking, but I know all my of 22's are falling off of me.
I've gone down a belt hole as well. I also noticed that when I wear a bathing suit I have curves again! I'm not all lumps and bumps but CURVES!
- Mood:
chipper - Music:Mary J Blige - Just Fine
- Mood: full
I stopped cleaning about 3 months ago. I mean I stopped dusting and vacuuming. I still did the laundry unless I wasn't home on the weekend. The thing was, he works full time, I go to school full time (more like full time and a half, full time is 12 hours, I took 17 last semester and 16 this semester), so we are supposed to split the housework. He doesn't like me in the kitchen so thats his... and I guess everything else is mine, because he wont touch it unless he knows we will have people over. Cleaning just to clean? Pfft, never!
I went into the kitchen this morning to make myself a cup of cocoa, I use instant (damn those ppl for not making a large multi serving container of sugar free mix) and I went to throw away my package.
I should rewind a moment.
I stopped cleaning about 3 months ago, because I got sick of picking up after him and doing everything by myself. Let me tell you, that may not sound like much, but with him, he eats something and the dishes have to walk themselves to the kitchen, unless he gets a bug up his but, which he does very so often, he takes off his clothes, and they go in the hamper if he happens to be nearby when he takes them off. As for him picking up after Munchkin? HA!
I will admit that he does pick up the dishes every once in a while, when he finally decides to load the dishwasher (Yeah, we have a dishwasher and the shit still piles up). I'll give him that. Sometimes when I'm busy on the weekend he will do the laundry, but there is always at least one load left, or clothes left in the washing machine that have already been washed.
So anyway, last week we were going to have the carpet cleaned, so myself and Munchkin worked together to pick up everything and get the house presentable. The next day he found a bug in the kitchen and went on a frenzy "OH HELL NO, THIS ISN'T HAPPENING" he takes everything out of the kitchen and piles it all on the table, fills up the dishwasher and runs it, then sprays the kitchen with Raid (which gave me an asthma attack and I had to sit outside all day).
Then I got sick (read the previous entry for info) He tells me "You rest and get better, I'll get everything ready. I'll get everything up off the floor and vacuum in the morning" Ok, I let him do it, I get up the next morning and wind up having to do most of it myself, even though I'm coughing up a storm. So anyway, Munchkin and I went to my dad's for the weekend, we left on Friday before the carpet was dry. We get home Sunday evening, and the only thing that had been put back were the things on his side of the bed. Why was I surprised.
I took about 20 minutes to put everything back on the floor where it belonged. I went to bed after unpacking from our trip. I got up this morning and I guess I just snapped. I didn't actually say anything to him about it but he knew I was pissed off about something.
He had done laundry Sunday. Monday I wore an outfit I had set aside after my trip that was clean, and this morning I went to the closet to get something to wear. none of the clothes I usually wear were there. I asked him, "Where are all of my clothes?" He said "hanging up in the closet" I said "No they are not" He says "then check the dryer" So I did. Nope most of it's his and clothing I consider "at home clothes" or stuff I do not wear out in public.
I dig around and get out an outfit that I don't like but fits.
I go to the kitchen to make my morning cocoa (I don't do coffee). I go to throw away the package the cocoa came in. The trash can is so overflowing that I can't even throw it away. Thats when I snapped. What the hell did he do all fucking weekend? I changed the trash bag and found another whole bags worth of trash behind the damn trash can.
I know I used to be a slob, but good grief GROW UP ALREADY!
I know it doesn't sound like much all typed out but man, this morning it REALLY pissed me off!
- Mood: amused
So where to start...
Oh yeah we had our "talk" about getting back together and I told him that if he wanted that he really needed to try and he wasn't. That if he wanted me he had to give me his all. And he admitted that he didn't know what he wanted, part of him wanted to be with me and part of him wanted to be well.. not with me lol. So I told him it wasn't fair to either of us, nor to our son to keep me hanging like that and I wouldn't stand for it.
Father's day his phone rings and he's in the back of the apartment, so I pick up his phone and walk back to give it to him.. and guess who it is! The woman he cheated on me with (from 3 years ago)! He was on the phone with her for about 20 minutes. After he got off the phone with her he told me about their convo (which I think is all Bullshit, but I took it and acted like I believed him) where he told her that talking to her was like a slap in my face and totally disrespectful to me. That the way she's living her life is horrible and blah blah blah, pretty much he wont talk to her anymore out of deference to me. Yeah, bullshit.
Munchkin had his 7h birthday party and it went over wonderfully. He had a transformers theme pool party and he had a great time. So did I for that matter. He was very polite and thanked everyone for the gifts and made sure everyone got a goodie bag. Kid made out like a rich kid at Christmas. Got a DS Lite and 5 games in addition to close a couple transformers and the movie to go with it, as well as enough money to fill my gas tank a couple times lol.
Then I got sick as a dog, which brings us to now. All I can do is sleep and sit around. I'll be so happy when this stuff goes away.
- Mood:
tired
I will say that he would never hit me, I went through that with another relationship, and he knows that if he does, that will be it. I'll take him to jail and bring charges of assault up on him.
Hopefully Ill be able to make an entry tomorrow.
- Mood:
cynical
He's sick today so our sun stayed home with him instead of going to the MIL's house. he figured it would be ok to go to the Cirkle K up the road while he was moving the car (they are fixing the gutter of the building by the parking lot). He told Munchkin to read his book and he would be right back. He was supposed to move the car to another parking lot and come right back.
When he got back Munchkin was in THE FUCKING PARKING LOT!!!!!
OMG I could KILL him!!!!
His excuse? Oh I'm sick and my head isn't working right. I made a mistake and it will never happen again.
WTF?!?!?!
- Mood: pissed off
Today when my son went to his martial arts class I found they were remodeling so I offered to help. I came home, told the husband that after all his instructor has done for us, it was the least we could do. I figured I could go tonight and he could go tomorrow, he agreed. I went to help, got a LOT done, had a good time. I came home and I told him that if he didn't want to go tomorrow I would, because I really enjoyed myself.
He neglected to inform me that he was going to play tomorrow night, after saying he would work on our marriage, and knowing I didn't like him hanging around his ex.
I had promised the instructor that one of us would be there tomorrow evening. Now I'm going to have to break my word, because he wants to go play D&D with his ex.
I asked him what he was thinking, making those plans, not telling me (taking it for granted that I would watch Muchkin) after I had actually said "I don't like you hanging around with <the ex>" His answer was I thought you knew!
Yeah, Didn't I say he wasn't really going to try, just fuck with my head? Prove me right again.
I've been doing South Beach and playing Wii Fit.
Now I weigh 234. Just 4 pounds to go until I reach my first goal.
Not to sound like a commercial or anything, but I really like this "diet" it's easy to stick to, because its OK to have something you shouldn't have once in a while. You don't have to go on some harsh 'OMG I can't eat" diet. I can eat as much as I want, I'm just limited to healthy foods and rationing out pasta/bread/rice.
Finally a diet (really a lifestyle change) that I know I can do! I actually feel optimistic about this one.
I've done Weight Watchers, Atkins, Dr. Phil's thing, the Get with the Program book, etc. This time, I think I can actually do it!
- Mood: hopeful
So my husband told me last week that he wanted to try again but he wanted to get the stuff in his head straight first so I gave him a couple days then we talked. He said he wanted to try again so that he would know if it didn't work out that he DID actually try. Because he realised he didn't try before. He never came out and said he didn't try but he did say that he thought about what I had said and that I was right.
So it's the same thing.
I told him if we were going to do this, I needed complete honesty. Now I knew before hand that it wouldn't work because he can't NOT lie (if that makes sense.) So I told him to take his time and think of anything and everything he may have been hiding from me and I would not get mad about it but after that time had passed I wasn't responsible for how I may react to finding out he lied
That was Sat evening. He went out to play D&D with his ex-girlfriend's cousin :|
Sunday we went to the zoo and that was fun. We got along really well. Monday we spent the day at his moms house, it was a decent time.
It's Tuesday now and he's not told me anything else sinceSat night.
I found out today he's still talking to the woman he went to see and cheated on me with.
When he did tell me the things he was hiding from me he still wasn't totally truthful. He told me part of it. He has a secret myspace. I already knew about it, and I had to actually ask him to get him to tell me anything. But his story was that he made that one along with his original one to use to test out styles and stuff. (We made pages at pretty much the same time a while back, and he got banned for breaking some sort of policy they have.) Andthe PSP that he "Borrowed" that he's had since Oct he got it with gas money from work.
He thinks Im stupid. Im not even mad at him, just I guess disappointed cause the only reason for him to do that and not try to tell me the truth, is to fuck with my head.
- Mood:
disappointed
If I was to say something about it... I would be suspicious, and an untrusting bitch.. so I don't say anything. What good would it do anyway.
He also didn't tell Munchkin that he was working late. That pisses me off. IMO If you aren't going to be there when you normally would you need to tell the child, so they will understand. It shouldn't be MY responsibility to tell him that his daddy won't be home AGAIN.
- Mood: aggravated
He cheated on me again this past December. I have to wonder how many other times there were that I'm not aware of.
I can't wait to get away from this lying, selfish, self involved bastard. He forgets to call his son on most evenings, when I ask him," Did you call Munchkin today?" he says " Ahhh dammit" Yeah right, he's too self involved to think about other people, unless it suits his purpose.
He has a PSP, that he says was something he "borrowed" from a friend. I know for a fact he's had it since at LEAST October. Yeah, he borrowed that.
But I bring it up and I'm just a suspicious bitch, I'm snooping (how can I be snooping when he lays it out for me to see?!) or I'm blaming everything on him. So I don't bring it up. I just hold it in and bide my time. If he has done nothing to start the divorce proceedings by the time I finish this semester in school, I'm going to see a lawyer myself, and get this started.
He said the first time he cheated on me, that he would take my son away from me. Thats NOT going to happen. If I have to take him to court and drag out the adultery and the pre-pubescent girl porn, I will, but he will NOT take my son. I don't want this to be messy, I just want OUT. I want to get my degree, get my certification and find a good career, and raise my son away from him. I really don't want Munchkin to turn out like him. Munchkin has already started to lie. He whines all the time, and cries when he doesn't get his way. Sounds a good bit like his father, although his father doesn't cry, he just gets pissy. His father cries when he wants attention, or when he's having a pity party.
I went to my dad's for a few days during the break in between semesters. I relaxed, I needed it. I came home and just about the first thing he says to me is "I missed you." Yeah right. He starts going on about how he thinks he made a mistake. We were supposed to have a talk the next day, about how and where he wants our relationship to go. He got into a small spat with his mom before he came home that day so we never had the "talk." When he finally does get around to it I'm going to ask him one question. I'm going to tell him that if he wants this to work at all he can't be keeping secrets from me. I'm going to ask him what else he is hiding from me. He won't tell me. I know him too well. If he does, by some miracle, tell me, then I'll be shocked.
It's not going to work out between us and that's that. I can't take the lying, the cheating, the secrets. I've been honest with him from the get go. I deserve more. I deserve better. I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If that means I live alone for the rest of my life, without a partner, then so be it. I think I can be much happier on my own, than with him, or with anyone else who doesn't have the decency to treat me right.
I also think Munchkin will be better off without him around all the time. I'm not saying I'm going to keep him away from Munchkin. Far from it. I want him (and his mother and the rest of his family) to be in Munchkin's life. I just think Munchkin would benefit from being around people that are not like him. People that will tell you the truth, even if it does hurt. People that respect you enough to treat you like you should be treated.
I think my family will be a much better influence on him, once we move there. Between his lies and secrets and his mothers habit of talking to the rest of the family about your faults, but never telling you, I think it will do him good not to be around them as much as he is now.
My family does have it's faults. My father is an asshole when he wants to be. But he will bend over backwards to help you if he can. My sisters are all great, but they aren't perfect either. My mother (ok step mother, but she's been more of a mother to me than anyone else has) is the best thing thats happened to my life and my family. Every one of them will tell you the truth, will treat you with common decency and love.
I can't wait. I just have to muscle through this until I get my degree. Then I'm moving.
- Mood: crushed
(ok, maybe a lot of background, depending on how much I feel like typing)
The husband and I met in 2000, shortly before Thanksgiving. I was living in another city, working at a hospital in the MRI dept. Shortly after we really started talking and dating I found out I was pregnant. The baby wasn't his. Even though it wasn't his he asked me to move to to his hometown and live with him and he would care for the two of us. He also told me that he thought that my staying home with the baby after it was born would be better than my working, seeing as how at the wage I was making, it would all go to daycare anyway.
So I did it. I picked up, and left all of my friends and moved here. At first it was great, we got along fine, the pregnancy was going ok, with the occasional pre term labor and doctors appts and medicine to stop the baby from coming. I was really happy. He was taking good care of me and we were planning everything for the baby. Buying a crib and playpen and all those other things people buy when they are expecting.
Munchkin was born on June 16th 2001. I was in labor for 36 hours. The husband's mother (MIL from here on in) was there with us while I was in labor. The husband started getting sick. So he asks if he can go home and get some rest. the MIL tells him sure go ahead, I'll call you once she really gets going. (WTF?!) He didn't think about what I might have wanted seeing as how I had been in labor for the past 30 hours. So he went home. Sic hours later the umbilical cord decided to show its face. I was rushed to the OR and had an emergency C-section. The MIL called the Husband and told him to get there ASAP. He got there about 30 minutes after Munchkin was born. The baby he wanted to raise as his own. His name is on the birth certificate. He has been a father to Munchkin in every way since then. A pretty good father too.
Of all of faults, I have to say he is a good dad.
Fast forward to July of that year. My birthday. He was taking me to Ruths Chris. Munchkin was staying with a friend of ours while we went out to dinner. I don't remember what we ordered. That day was the first time I found out he lied to me. It was something about a credit card. At that time he was in charge of all the bills and the financial side of things. I reemmber crying and being really upset because he lied to me. Of course he promised me that he wouldn't lie to me again.
...
You already can see where this is heading, right?
...
Anyway, I admit I became a Mommy. To the exclusion of everything else. I let myself become isolated. The only people I spoke to were Munchkin the MIL and the husband. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had forgotten to be a wife, to be a friend, to be anything other than a mommy. Yes, the lies continued. yes, he kept promising that he would stop. Bills would get paid late. The Power Comany would come to the door demanding money etc. Fast forward about a year.
We lived with his mom for a while during that period, because he lost his job. I didn't look for work because, hey I'm a mommy, and he said I can stay at home. (God, how naive was I?) I noticed he was talking to someone online a lot. I got jealous, but he insisted things were on the up and up, they were just friends. I talked to that person and her husband too. Hell one evening we even met up with them for dinner when they were coming through town. We moved out of the MILs house and got our own place again. Fast Forward about 2 more years.
I was sitting at my desk and tried to print something, it wouldn't print. I went to his desk to check the printer (it was connected to his PC) I see this little program open (Oddly enough the very one I'm using to post this) and I look at it. I realise what it is so I come to LJ and I look at this account I knew nothing about. *gasp* I was the Dragon Lady! He was in love with the woman we met for dinner that night. He was going to leave me and take my son from me because I was a lazy slob who refused to get a job.
I was floored, I was devastated. I had no idea at all.
Turns out that the 'business trip he took to a neighboring city the weekend before he really drove down to Dallas to meet her and fuck her. (Nah I'm not still bitter about it, not at all)
ok time to go, I'll finish up later.
The husband and I met in 2000, shortly before Thanksgiving. I was living in another city, working at a hospital in the MRI dept. Shortly after we really started talking and dating I found out I was pregnant. The baby wasn't his. Even though it wasn't his he asked me to move to to his hometown and live with him and he would care for the two of us. He also told me that he thought that my staying home with the baby after it was born would be better than my working, seeing as how at the wage I was making, it would all go to daycare anyway.
So I did it. I picked up, and left all of my friends and moved here. At first it was great, we got along fine, the pregnancy was going ok, with the occasional pre term labor and doctors appts and medicine to stop the baby from coming. I was really happy. He was taking good care of me and we were planning everything for the baby. Buying a crib and playpen and all those other things people buy when they are expecting.
Munchkin was born on June 16th 2001. I was in labor for 36 hours. The husband's mother (MIL from here on in) was there with us while I was in labor. The husband started getting sick. So he asks if he can go home and get some rest. the MIL tells him sure go ahead, I'll call you once she really gets going. (WTF?!) He didn't think about what I might have wanted seeing as how I had been in labor for the past 30 hours. So he went home. Sic hours later the umbilical cord decided to show its face. I was rushed to the OR and had an emergency C-section. The MIL called the Husband and told him to get there ASAP. He got there about 30 minutes after Munchkin was born. The baby he wanted to raise as his own. His name is on the birth certificate. He has been a father to Munchkin in every way since then. A pretty good father too.
Of all of faults, I have to say he is a good dad.
Fast forward to July of that year. My birthday. He was taking me to Ruths Chris. Munchkin was staying with a friend of ours while we went out to dinner. I don't remember what we ordered. That day was the first time I found out he lied to me. It was something about a credit card. At that time he was in charge of all the bills and the financial side of things. I reemmber crying and being really upset because he lied to me. Of course he promised me that he wouldn't lie to me again.
...
You already can see where this is heading, right?
...
Anyway, I admit I became a Mommy. To the exclusion of everything else. I let myself become isolated. The only people I spoke to were Munchkin the MIL and the husband. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had forgotten to be a wife, to be a friend, to be anything other than a mommy. Yes, the lies continued. yes, he kept promising that he would stop. Bills would get paid late. The Power Comany would come to the door demanding money etc. Fast forward about a year.
We lived with his mom for a while during that period, because he lost his job. I didn't look for work because, hey I'm a mommy, and he said I can stay at home. (God, how naive was I?) I noticed he was talking to someone online a lot. I got jealous, but he insisted things were on the up and up, they were just friends. I talked to that person and her husband too. Hell one evening we even met up with them for dinner when they were coming through town. We moved out of the MILs house and got our own place again. Fast Forward about 2 more years.
I was sitting at my desk and tried to print something, it wouldn't print. I went to his desk to check the printer (it was connected to his PC) I see this little program open (Oddly enough the very one I'm using to post this) and I look at it. I realise what it is so I come to LJ and I look at this account I knew nothing about. *gasp* I was the Dragon Lady! He was in love with the woman we met for dinner that night. He was going to leave me and take my son from me because I was a lazy slob who refused to get a job.
I was floored, I was devastated. I had no idea at all.
Turns out that the 'business trip he took to a neighboring city the weekend before he really drove down to Dallas to meet her and fuck her. (Nah I'm not still bitter about it, not at all)
ok time to go, I'll finish up later.
- Mood: bitchy
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